Funny or Die Sniper Rifle Sketch

Recently divorced Marine sniper slapped with a 1500 yard restraining order.

He is now struggling to understand the distance that has become between them, as well as windage.

Did you know the world's first sniper was Mexican? He even inspired the Sniper motto.

Juan shot, Juan kill.

Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team.
After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother.
She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued " your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."

What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marxman.

I'm training to be a sniper in the Communist Revolutionary Forces...

... I'll be the designated Marxman!

What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

I missed you

What do you call a Hispanic sniper?

A Puerto-recon.

What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh*t

Why shouldn't you marry a sniper from your own country?

They are only good for long-distance engagements.

What does Dora say in Iraq?

Sniper no Sniping

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"

You can explore sniper commander reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean sniper rifle dad jokes. There are also sniper puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?

Sorry

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

I just started going for a sniper training course

My trainer told me that sniping is like programming, you gotta C#.

What do you call a Danish Sniper?

A Denmarksmen

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

I took my mother in law out today

I love being a sniper

Why do snipers always close one eye when they aim?

Because they can't aim if they close two.

How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

What do you call a Soviet Sniper?

A Marxman

How do you know a sniper likes you?

He has you in his sights and takes you out.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning

Being a sniper is awesome

Whats the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl

One shoots and cant hit...

My girlfriend is a sniper. I'm pretty sure she loves me. You know how I know?

She said she missed me

After years of loneliness, I finaly gathered all my courage to take my ex out

It's good to be a sniper in the US army

It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.

The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German sniper would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!

One day, the Italians decide to reciprocate. One of them yells, "Hey-a, Fritz!" No reply. "Fritz!" Nothing. "Hey-a, Fritz!" "Is that you, Mario?" "Si!" Boom!

What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?

I won't miss you.

Did you hear about the communist sniper?

He was a real Marx man

I used to date a sniper

Her name was Aimee

I took out my ex today!

Being a sniper is amazing.

What do you call a sniper in the red army?

A Marxman

Yesterday evening I took out my mother-in-law,

It's fun being a Sniper!

I took my Sister-in-Law out yesterday evening.

Damn I love being a sniper.

What's one thing a sniper cannot say to their significant other?

"I missed you this morning!"

Took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning..

Being a sniper is awesome sometimes

What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn't hit and the other hoots but doesn't shit.

I took my ex wife out yesterday.

Man, it's fun being a sniper.

Missing someone is the worst feeling ever.

Ask a sniper.

What did they call a Soviet era sniper?

Marxman.

Two snipers are going through the desert when all of a sudden they come under fire...

"Spotter"... says the shooter, "find out where those shots are coming from!"

So the spotter takes out his scope and starts panning round... "I think I found them. There is a small shrub, covered in bacon, gammon, and pork chops"

"That's them..."says the shooter... "it's a ham-bush!"

Missing someone is a terrible feeling

Ask any sniper

I told my friend the joke about the bad sniper

But it went right over his head.

In the Irish army there is a sniper famous for eliminating targets by bouncing his shots off of rocks and other hard surfaces

His name is Rick O'Shea

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Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the sniper minefield jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working sniper dune piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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